Art of the Rip

Well Nico looks about as stunned (or perhaps just stoned) as I was as of my last Brazilian wax experience. For the uninitiated, the Brazilian takes it all off....and then some, leaving just a strip if you choose, or totally bare for the bravest of bitches. Alright, so I have had this experience before in Florida from an enthusiastic Polish woman named Gosia so I vaguely knew what to expect...lots of pain and flinching and grunting 'Jesus Christ' under my breath. I am pale as hell obviously and with that comes sensitive skin that does not take well to hot wax brutally tearing out coarse hair. I am Italian, what can I say.....

So a new waxing place opened up in my area, entitled European Wax Center and they were giving free waxes for a training. I was going on vacation so I signed up for a leg wax and a full Brazilian. I was led into an absurdly well lit room that closely resembled a dental office, which I liked because it looked clean and professional unlike my double-dipping Polish mistress of pain. So my waxing tech is explaining the type of wax they use to me, which is a hard wax. Hard wax is better for sensitive areas and is stripless, meaning they slather you with electric purple goo, let it harden, and then rip it off for all it's worth. So my leg wax was first. Holy hello pain. The tech smeared about three inches of wax on my legs which was entirely too much and proceeded to rip and tear at my skin for about 45 minutes, after which there was still a bunch of, you know, hair on my legs. "Do you want me to go over that again?" she asks me. Well.....I don't want to have searing pain on my legs AND still have hair there, so YES I say I would like that very much. When there is still yet hair on my legs she calls in her trainer because I have apparently very problematic hair that is a stubborn bitch and wants nothing but to stay rooted to my body. The trainer comes in and it's like night and day. She finished my wax in two minutes, got it all out and started on my Brazilian. Let me just put it out there. This shit HURTS. But it only lasts a few minutes if your tech knows what they are doing. Kristy from Fort Lauderdale knew what was up. "This is REALLY going to hurt" she would say before the particularly painful spots. Hey, I can appreciate the honesty. "I hope you don't hate me right now," she says to me. "Oh I don't hate you," I reply, "but my crotch might." So then after the worst is over, she flips me over and prepares to wax allllll the way to the finish line. "Let's live dangerously," I say and she laughs and comes back with "Oh, the worst is over, you already lived dangerously." And so like a science experiment I roll around on the table under laboratory lighting naked from the waist down smiling in spite of myself at how utterly invasive and painful the whole thing is, and why we subject ourselves to such things in the name of looking and feeling good. I have to say though I love my Brazilian and smooth legs, it's worth the pain, but holy hell I was walking crooked for a day or two afterwards. My verdict is out on the actual waxing center, I would be willing to try again with a more experienced waxer but I might start over with a brow wax or something less terrifying overall.

http://www.waxcenter.com/